Day 4 of my diary.
I’ve now made it past the 작심삼일(three-day resolution) stage, so I feel a little proud. I think I’m able to keep this up more easily because writing a diary is genuinely something I’m drawn to, not a task or assignment I have to do. Of course, it’s only Day 4, so who knows what will happen later. You can never predict people, especially yourself.
For today, I want to write my diary in English. I’ve noticed that emotionally heavy or darker feelings come out more naturally when I write in Korean, while things that feel more logical or rational are easier to express in English. Switching back and forth between the two languages seems to help me with emotional balance and mental clarity.
The only issue is how I write my age. When I write in Korean, using Korean age feels natural and comfortable, but when I write in English, I feel like I should switch to international age. I guess I should adjust the way I write my age to match the language I’m using. Even though the Korean age system was technically abolished legally, people still use it a lot in everyday life, and when Koreans ask each other how old they are, most people still answer with their Korean age. So even though Korean age is numerically 1-2 higher than international age and makes you look older (which I don’t appreciate haha), I’m still used to it.
Yesterday, my mom cleaned my entire place all day. There was so much to clean, especially the hidden corners. I really realized how messy I’d been keeping my house. She stayed over at my place, and this morning we woke up early, went to her house, and had breakfast together. It was so delicious.
Cooking for myself while living alone is hard for me. Even when I start for a bit, I get lazy and stop, and end up relying on delivery food or eating out. If I’m not hungry, I simply don’t eat. Living alone is nice and freeing, but sometimes I wish I could live with someone who could cook for me every single day. But if someone asked me whether I’d want to live with my mom, I’d probably say no. We get along better when we live a little apart.
Last Thursday, I went on a solo trip to 남원 (Namwon). I took my own car, and it was four hours of round-trip driving. Nothing else was too tiring, but the long drive left me exhausted when I got home. And after coming back from Namwon, my period started the following week, so I spent a full week (and a few more days) lying around doing nothing productive. I fell into this lethargic, almost depressive state, which felt a bit extreme.
But yesterday my mom came over, cleaned my place, and stayed the night, and today I finally feel some energy again. This morning, I took the cats out for a walk in their new double stroller, which has two levels: one on top and one on the bottom. After bringing home my second cat, I didn’t take them on walks very often. because I only had one stroller. And it didn’t seem very practical to buy the exact same stroller again and push two simultaneously.
But now that I have a double stroller, the three of us can enjoy walks together without leaving anyone out and without it being too overwhelming for me. I love that. I’m going to use it often. It’s one of those purchases that satisfies you so much that it doesn’t even feel like you spent any money at all.
I also filmed one Korean lesson. I have a lecture project going on with a publisher right now, and I’ve been impatient and pushing myself, because I wanted to finish it quickly. But for over a week, I suddenly hated the idea of filming and editing anything. I kept putting it off and putting it off. But today I finally got back to it. Not because I forced myself, but because I genuinely wanted to work today. Still, I didn’t push myself like I usually do. It was just one lesson. I think I need to follow a rhythm of working on one lesson a day, nothing more than that.
When I was in my twenties, I was practically addicted to working out. Especially between ages 22 and 24, I exercised a lot. At the time, working out wasn’t as mainstream in Korea as it is now, but I realized it could change my body shape and improve my mental focus, so I became a bit obsessive with it.
I did build strong stamina and mental endurance through that period, and it allowed me to power through heavy workloads with ease. But now that my stamina has clearly declined in my thirties, that approach has become more and more unrealistic. I knew it was too much, but I kept doing it anyway. I had gotten so used to pouring everything out that I continued to pour everything out in my work as well.
But now that method needs to die. I’m not the person I was in my 20s. Next year I’ll be 33. I think slow but steady rhythm is what’s really needed now.
I only learned this after spending an entire week doing absolutely nothing productive. In that sense, even the emotionally confusing and depressing week I had feels meaningful. Maybe everything really is hindsight.